Being a mom has taught me so many things. Things that I wouldn't have ever thought at (almost) 21 I would know. Especially since Ellie was a big surprise to Sean and I. The biggest thing that I've learned thus far is how short life is, and how every moment really is so precious. Life constantly is throwing you curve balls left and right, that's nothing new. In my life atleast. It's all about how you handle each blow. I'm not going to lie, I let most things affect me. I guess you can say I am a super sensitive person. I'm always the first person to accept you for who you are, and that usually comes with the first to get mistreated or dumped on. Ususally I'm okay with that, I understand people and how they need to unload sometimes. This is something that I've been working on. Being a mom doesn't leave much "dumping" room for anyone outside your immediate family. And I'm sure the room will get smaller or cease to exist with the addition of more kids. So I do try as best I can to be there for the people who need me. Sometimes I have to step back to keep my own sanity in check.
I thought for the most part that I was doing a pretty good job at listening and then making sure I don't spew all my frustrations out on anyone else. I've come to learn that my problems are my own, and I need to deal with them myself. And then (of course) something big that you haven't been used to in a long time comes flying around the corner and throws you sideways against the wall. Life is great like that, isn't it? Just when your starting to get a handle on things that just eat you alive on the inside, and then of course something else has to get thrown on top of it.
And then there are moments that you capture with your child/children that just melt every problem away. Those precious moments that make you stop and smile. I love those. Those crystalizing moments where everything just comes so into focus, everything else stands in a blur.
I had this moment with my sweet little girl today, where it was just me and her and we were singing some little silly tune. And Ellie all of a sudden stops, and just looks up into my eyes and smiles. She is mine. She is ours. Sean and I created this absolutely beautiful little girl. The best surprise we have ever received. It brought happy tears to my eyes as I just looked at her, because I am so grateful to be her mom. And I'm so grateful for having Sean as her dad and as my husband. He really has stepped it up, and is turning into a wonderful man.
She has even taught me more things about life, and about myself then any other person. I've made a lot of mistakes this far in her little life, but this has been the most incredible learning experiance for me. And although she's still to young to fully understand when I make a mistake, she still loves me no matter what.
Being Ellie's mom is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I will never regret making the decision to raise her. It's been made very apparent to me that Ellie was meant to be born when she was, and be grow up in the family that she is in. She has an amazing purpose here on earth. I am truely already proud to be her mother. And that will never change.
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